literary tease

Oh, you can bet your sweet arse I'll be learning how to play this song on my accordion:



That's right. Lesson numero uno for ye olde squeezebox was yesterday, and I LOVE it! I was practicing on my front porch today, and my neighbor said I sounded like I'd been playing for a while. Deceptive, yes, but encouraging nonetheless! One of these days I'll be performing on a street corner near you.

Backyard Movie Nights @ 155 Vinton Street
Starting August 2nd

Love movies? So do we! Join us in our Vinton Street backyard for screenings every Saturday night and some Fridays. Movies start at sundown. Bring a blanket or a chair and bring your friends. Donations of snacks, cash, or grilling supplies will be gladly accepted... we’re not rich. Help us enrich our community by participating in these fun weekend events!

August 1 - Futuristic Flicks, 80’s Style
Go back, way back, with Back to the Future. Follow the adventures of Marty McFly (Michael J. Fox) and Dr. Emmett Brown as they drive through time. How many BTTF flicks can you stand? Find out tonight.

August 9 - Superhero Night
Come dressed as your favorite superhero and watch our screening of X-Men. Based on the comic book series, this movie features powerful mutants in cool costumes. Wear a superhero costume and be eligible to win a cool prize!

Special Friday Night Screening
August 15 - Indy Artist Night
Local filmmaker Mike Messier presents his short film Sacrilege. As host of the long-standing cable access show, The Mike Messier Show, Mike has interviewed local celebrities as well as The Suicide Girls, metal band Skid Rose, and pro wrestling cult icon The Sandman. If we’re lucky, Mike’s screening might include additional footage such as his animated film Schtick Man or some TV episodes.

August 16 - The Godfather!
Join us as we watch The Godfather. With a blockbuster cast, The Godfather chronicles the life of the Italian-American Corleone crime family. And you know the food tonight will be Italian.

August 23 - Mel’s Pick
Our roommate Melany is out of town as I’m working out this schedule, so I haven’t been able to ask her for input. Tonight is Mel’s pick. What will she choose? Stop by at sunset to find out!

Special Friday Night Screening
August 29 - Japanese Anime Night
Ryan says, “If you plan on watching in English, you will be banned from our backyard!” ‘Nuff said.

August 30 - Rocky Horror Night
It’s just a jump to the left, Janet, but it’s the pelvic thrusts that will really drive you insane. Cult classic with cabaret-style music, the Rocky Horror Picture Show is a fantastic adventure in madness, Tim Curry-style. Dress the part, and be eligible to win a most astounding prize!

September Schedule - To Be Determined - Vote for your favorite movies and themes at www.literarytease.com - Possible themes include: Sci-Fi, Horror, Chick Flicks, Man Movies, YouTube Favorites, Foreign, Sundance Picks, and, of course, Indiana Jones.

This morning I got an email from some jackass referring to himself as Timothy Stuff. Already intrigued by the subject line: "Hi Moira Buy Heroin, cocaine and other shit from timothystuff," since, you know, I buy all of my illegal drugs online, I opened the email to read the following:

"Welcome to the site timothystuff dot com, it's us again, now we extended our offerings,

here is a list:

1. Heroin, in liquid and crystal form.

2. Rocket fuel and Tomohawk rockets (serious enquiries only).

3. Other rockets (Air-to-Air), orders in batches of 10.

4. New shipment of cocaine has arrived, buy 9 grams and get 10th for free.

5. We also offer gay-slaves for sale, we offer only such service on the NET,
you can choose the one you like, then get straight to business.

6. Fake currencies, such as Euros and US dollars, prices would match competition.

Everyone is welcome, be it in States or any other place worldwide.

ATTENTION. Clearance offer. Buy 30 grams of heroin, get 5 free.

Prepay your batch of rockets (air-to-air) and recieve a portable rocket-lacuncher
for free.

Transfer money to our account and call phone number below:

Bank name: Five Star Bank
Account: 751244384
ACH Routing: 022304030

Contact us NOW:
1-585-991-3301
1-585-237-3346

----

If you think you are receiving this message in an error - call here to unsubscribe - 1-585-237-3346

You can buy it from my local address:
12 Genesee St,
Perry,
NY 14530

Best R,
Timothy Sinclair Stuff."

Rampant misspellings aside, I was thrilled to know that I could buy both liquid and crystal heroin, tomahawk missiles, and gay sex slaves all from the same dealer. Screw all that calling around, I'm going straight to Timothy for all my, uh, stuff.

Yeah. Right. I immediately dismissed the email as some sort of weirdo spam and ignored it. Only, a few hours later, I got this one from the same person:

"I am very sorry for you Moira, is a pity that this is how your life is
going to end as soon as you don't comply. As you can see there is no need
of introducing myself to you because I don't have any business with you,
my duty as I am mailing you now is just to KILL you and I have to do it
as I have already been paid for that.

But I give you a chance. Call my neighbor 315-678-2789 and say password "there is time to save my skin" and if that would sound convincing, I will forget about you.

Tell him this password for Timothy Sinclair (be sure it is not my real name).

WARNING: DO NOT THINK OF CONTACTING THE POLICE OR EVEN TELLING ANYONE
BECAUSE I WILL KNOW."

Freaky, right? Lucky for me, I'm currently out of the state, so even if Timothy "Killer" Sinclair showed up at my house looking to put a hit on my ass, he'd find only my roomies (sorry, guys!) and my cat.

At first, I racked my brain trying to think of who might be angry enough with me to pay a hitman. Was it my fella, annoyed at not being able to hit this until I got back to Providence? Nah, that didn't make sense... he coulda spend his dime on a pros instead of a killer. Had someone overhead me talking shit on his or her ass and decided to end my gossipy ways once and for all? Maybe, just maybe, that fella from whom I stole an accordion before screaming at him over the phone that he was, and I quote, a "junky asshole" managed to scrounge up enough cash to order the hit? Nah... he's way too cheap for that.

So, I thought, duh, google the asshole.

Apparently some sort of Independence Day prank, Mr. Timothy Stuff Sinclair, has been sending out these emails all day. Respondents on Whocalled.us have determined that the sicko hacked into Monster.com and used that information to send out these rather scary emails.

Anyone else out there get it? Seems a lot of people on the net did. Chances are that enough people out there have already reported this email to get the sender in some serious trouble, but you can report the incident to both the Internet Crime Complaint Center and your local FBI office:

FBI Boston
Suite 600
One Center Plaza
Boston, Massachusetts 02108
boston.fbi.gov
(617) 742-5533

Or, you could just call the phone numbers listed in the ad from a blocked number and have a little fun of your own. Your call.

Who was the genius who came up with NBC's Celebrity Circus? Wow! I caught the third episode first, when Christopher Knight, the dude who played Peter Brady back in the day, doing an amazing trapeze act that brought shivers down my spine. Absolutely brilliant!

If you've missed the show, you can watch the episodes on NBC's website.

Damn, lucky I decided to do a little research before I praised the show for its brilliant tongue-in-cheek critique of both reality television and celebrities in general, since the American version of this show is actually a knock-off of the original Australian version which aired in 2005 as well as a British version from 2007. Are there no original ideas left?

No worries, the show is still brilliant... so brilliant, in fact, that I bloody well should have known that it was a rip-off. Then again, NBC has done this before: The Office, another spectacular show, was a British show tweaked for American viewers. I've seen both and prefer the American version. Though I'm British by birthright, I'm American by upbringing so I suppose that shows in my tastes, eh?

Oh this is good. This past weekend, I was essentially incapacitated so I spend time reading old journals, etc. I found a note I had made, a quote from a bus driver made when I was still living in Greensburg. The quote was made by the bus driver to a gentleman who, for whatever reason, had decided to bring his weedwhacker on the bus:

"Next time, sir, kindly leave the weedwhacker at home."

Naturally, I was greatly amused by the whole situation.

Today, upon hearing there was an "incident" in downtown Greensburg, I was researching and came across this news story:

W.Pa man charged in weed whacker assault:

"Sixty-seven-year-old Gary Wright, of Southwest Greensburg, is charged with simple assault, recklessly endangerment and disorderly conduct.

Police say neighbor William Bell told Wright to get off his property on May 23 and Wright hit him in the arm with the tool. Bell's wife says the weed-whacker going full-speed and Bell put his hand up to stop it from hitting his face."

Could it possibly be the same man? The writer in me says, "Yes!"

Awww, shit, you gotta be kidding me? How come I didn't get a memo on this one? Oh, right, because my office is my bedroom and my secretary is my cat. Darn.

Apparently, would-be writers, the trick is not to solicit publishers one-by-one hoping to find one for whom your novel/screenplay/poetry/suckpileofhumanexcrement is a perfect fit. No, no, no, that is --so-- 2007. Why waste your name with that? Just place an ad on Craigslist like Gina did:

The headline reads "Writer seeking Publisher".

The text continues, "Children's stories, poetic & non poetic Teaching tools pre-k through 12th and beyond, poetry, lyric, how to, natural health and youthfulness, even recipies. Also have several action/adventure/sci-fi/futuristic type scripts in progress- deep, innovative, even shocking, very realistic. Have begun writing for Theater-music, lyrics, dance, and story line. Fresh, Energetic, Inspiring! Many completed manuscripts. Many more in progress. A wellspring of energy and idea to inspire all that is good. Can also illustrate, as well as having an Illustrator of exceptional talent presently working on several projects with me. Ready to speak with a Publisher. Please no solitsitations!

Location: Providence
Compensation: under Contract only, at least 3-5 years - initial sign on"

Here you go, Publishers, a Jill of all trades, who writes "shocking" SF/F Action Adventures, children's stories, and "recipies" that are: "Fresh" (read: Bad) "Energetic" (read: Poorly Punctuated), and "Inspiring!" (read: You'll curse the time you spent reading.) Oh, and don't even bother to email Gina unless you're offering cash upfront and a 3 year contract, since, you know, that's realistic. Good luck!

Now, I'm sure Gina will have a lot of success with this ad, double typos aside. (Two misspellings. Can you find 'em?) Naturally, publishers are trolling Craigslist daily. No, really, I'm not being facetious. Craigslist is hot shit, and I'd bet there are plenty of editors, editors assistants, and interns who scroll through the listings several times again. But, Gina, come on, get with the program, posting under Writing Jobs? Where you should have posted is under Missed Connections! Seriously.

Check out my ad:

The headline: "Totally Hot Publisher from Lunch or Maybe Dinner"

The text: "I was so distracted by your physical presence that I couldn't work up the nerve to talk to you! You: Totally hot publisher with the power to buy my novel about the circus. I saw you on the subway, or was it in traffic at a red light, or maybe you were riding your bike as I walked by, like I could possibly be expected to remember something as mundane as where I saw your brilliant and intelligent face. I think you were wearing sunglasses, but that might have been the way the light glinted off your beard. No, wait, you had a pashmina, or something really incredibly stylish. I can't decide if I was more impressed by your sexy body, your great smile, or the way you promised me excellent royalties on international sales. You should definitely email me. We can meet up for coffee and I'll be ready to sign the contracts immediately. Remember, my book is a romantic but western-like, sci-fi children's adventure that takes place in 1970. Very mainstream, very big seller, I can tell."

Now, you tell me: who's going to have the Inbox full of replies tomorrow morning? Flattery will get your everywhere. EVERYwhere.

Let's have a moment of silence, shall we, to honor the late George Carlin, who died yesterday at the age of 71. Carlin was one bad-ass motherfucker, and he will surely be missed:



Carlin's Obituary

Okay, this YouTube stuff is clearly addicting, and I haven't even really gotten started. So far, I'm just using old home movies to make music videos, but just imagine what will happen when I started directly new clips.... iiiieeee! I'm never going to finish my novel, am I?

Here's the one I made yesterday, which I think is pretty damn awesome:



Enjoy!

Okay, I've obviously got too much free time on my hands, but I've got a good excuse: some bloody doctor scraped off a bit of a cervix yesterday and I've got a stomach ache resulting from the experience. So, I figure, might as well make a YouTube video, right? Right:

This is my first YouTube video ever: